Category Archives: Lists

How Did The Upcoming Horror Films Of 2016 Turn Out?

At the beginning af 2016 there was much to look forward to. How wrong I was! Certainly in the real world. As for the horror movies?  Well here I’m having a look back at the films I was looking forward to last year. How did they all turn out? Let’s have a look shall we?

The Forest – 26th February 2016

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I SAID: Okay I take that back, there isn’t much hope for The Forest as it is already out in America and everyone hated it. On the positive side it has Natalie Dormer playing twins, a forest where people go to kill themselves and it’s set in Japan: Twins, suicide, Japan – three things I’m fascinated by. Let’s give it a go eh?

AND? It had it’s moments certainly and wasn’t the disaster that many of the reviews said but it relied to much on weak jump scares and didn’t build much atmosphere or genuine scares which shouldn’t have been too hard considering the premise and setting. I get the feeling the real mood of the piece was lost in the edit sadly. Dormer did her best though.

The Boy – 19th February 2016

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I SAID: The trailer for The Boy was freaking the shit out of people a few weeks ago. I’m not so sure, I’ve been around enough devil dolls, haunted toys and living dummies to be more than a little jaded by the whole thing. On the one hand it stars The Walking Dead‘s delightful Lauren Cohan who hopefully will get to show some more range other than just crying and stabbing zombies in the brain. On the other hand it’s directed by the guy who made The Devil Inside which still makes the blood boil of anyone who has watched it – go to YouTube to find out what happens next!?!?!? YouTube!??!!!!!!!!!

AND? Goofy stuff and not scary at all, but it was also a lot of fun and fun is not a bad at all in horror. It kept me guessing until quite near the end and Cohan knocked it out the park, as they say across the pond.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies – 11th February 2016

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I SAID: Weirdly this is the first of two zombie movies starring Doctor Who‘s Matt Smith out this year. This has been trying to go before the cameras for a few years now, they struggled a lot trying to sign a decent cast, but now with Lily James they’ve got someone high profile enough that it should prove to be at least a minor hit. I have no idea if it’s going to be any good though, the trailer was exactly what you’d expect of it – all frocks, dancing and shooting the undead in slow motion.

AND? Okay well its on Netflix now, which is where it probably deserves to be. May and I started watching it and its not as bad as I thought but, as can often be the way with Netflix, I found something better to do. I’ll update when I do watch it.

The Witch – 11th March 2016

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I SAID: Already touted as the one to beat, this looks like it could be a future classic, although they said that about The Babadook and they, whoever they are, were wrong. Mind, they also said it about It Follows and then they were right. So don’t trust them, let’s just go watch the film and make our own minds up.

AND? Yep, its a classic. Loved it.

The Green Inferno – 12th February 2016

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I SAID: Here we are three years after it was finished, two years after it was shown in festivals and several months after it can out in the U.S. of A. and Eli Roth’s cannibal munch down still isn’t out over here. Some may say it’s not worth the wait and they may be right, although I do think Roth’s films get a bad wrap because he is allegedly a mind boggingly rude person. However I don’t know the guy and just like his films, plus there just aren’t enough cannibal movies kicking around nowadays so I’m queuing up with some spare ribs and bag of intestines whatever the case.

AND? Urgh. It was annoying. Well mainly the characters were annoying. I didn’t want them to be eaten alive by cannibals, I just wanted them to stop talking and go away. I guess eaten alive by cannibals was the next best thing. Not that there was enough gore which surprised me considering it was Roth directing. Also a weirdly snarky undertone about students who are trying to help those who can’t help themselves left a nasty taste in my mouth. And not of the human flesh variety.

Bone Tomahawk – 19th February 2016

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I SAID? Talking of cannibals, you wait for one and… but this is in the very small sub genre of the horror western. In fact its really in the even more obscure sub genre of the cannibal horror western which I think is populated with like three movies. More importantly its got Kurt Fucking Russell on a horse with a massive moustache… sold!

AND? Yes! Another good one. My friend Paul pointed out that the first hour was too slow and the cave set at the end looked like cardboard. I’ll give him the latter but the first hour was, for me, a great way to build up the characters and make us care for them… before it all goes horribly wrong.

The Conjuring 2: The Enfield Ghost – 17th June 2016

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I SAID: Well here we are, the sequel to one of the biggest horror hits in years and they’ve relocated to the glamour of Enfield in North London, in the 1970s. That alone makes me shiver. That must have been fun for the cast. Anyway, the story itself is pretty well known and might not break any new grounds  but then you could have said the same about the first film. The story is almost besides the point, what will make The Conjuring 2 good or not will be the quality of James Wan’s direction and the commitment of Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson as Lorraine and Ed Warren. Wan said he was done doing haunted house movies after Insidious 2 but maybe the experience of the last Fast and Furious film has stoked up his horror side again. The least we can hope for are some quality frights even if the film ends up being a retread of the last one. I hope not though.

AND? It was as good as one could hope for – ie really good. The Warren’s still ping off screen and Wan’s direction is faultless. Only The Crooked Man, a rather out of sorts CG character didn’t work. Also I weirdly loved the Enfield setting.

31 – TBC

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I SAID: Say what you want about Rob Zombie but you’ve got to admire his dedication to the genre. Here a bunch of carnival workers are kidnapped by evil clowns and forced to survive some crazed game for twelve hours. You know this is going to be incredibly violent and most likely a bit upsetting. But it’s also going to unlike any other film makers work and that is a good thing. After this I think it’s time for Rob to sell out and make a zombie movie: Rob Zombie’s Zombies just works.

AND? Really sorry to say this but I found 31 completely unwatchable. Maybe it got better after the first half but I’ll never know, I stopped it and I won’t be going back. Ugly characters screaming at the screen, and that was the heroes. There was a nazi dwarf in it, he got on my nerves almost as much as the rest of them.

Visions – TBC

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I SAID: Hmmm… Well Visions could be really good or it could be really ball sucky, it all comes down to two things – are the visions of the title super frikken scary and when the visions are finally revealed for what they are, will they blow our minds or will we chuck a half chewed hot dog at the screen? The trailer doesn’t give much away other than seeming to be a bog standard pregnant woman freaked out in a new town plot but Isla Fisher is an interesting choice as the lead and Jim Parsons plays a doctor. No not this one you fools, the other one!

AND? Its on Netflix, I’ll let you know.

The Neon Demon – TBC

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I SAID: A cross between Valley of the Dolls and Starry Eyes, this could go any way. However, directed by Nicolas Winding Refn (of Drive) it will at least be beautiful to look at and sound great. Add in Jenna Malone, Elle Fanning, Christine Hendricks and Keanu Reeves and it could be bloody brilliant.

AND? A beautiful struggle. I’m half way through it, and don’t want to give a judgement until I’ve watched it all. I’ll have to start again when its not midnight and haven’t had too much wine…

Leatherface  – TBC

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I SAID: A prequel (sigh) about Leatherface’s teenage years is a TERRIBLE idea. It’s really awful, I mean they tried it with Hannibal Lector and everybody hated that, even the author, and he wrote it. I don’t see how this is going to work at all apart from its directed by the team who made Inside and the weird and wonderful French vampire movie (sorta) Livid a few years ago, so I’m still going to see it. I’m sad it’s not in 3D though, I want more chainsaws coming out of the screen type action. Oh well…

AND? Well apparently Leatherface is in the can but where is the release date? Who knows. Maybe they realised that the idea for a young Leatherface was never going to work and they’re desperately trying to polish the turd as we speak. I suspect it will slip out in some dreadfully quiet weekend eventually and be forgotten instantly.

Martyrs – TBC

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I SAID: More horror with a French flavour, the original Martyrs is a hands down classic and a gut-wrenching cinematic marvel to boot. I don’t know if a remake can add anything to the story without undermining it but it’s coming whether you like it or not. And worryingly at least the marketing team behind the film, if not the makers themselves, don’t seem to understand what they have here as the trailer gives away the main plot. What worked so well with the original was how you really had no idea where the story was going.

AND? Well the reviews have been shocking and I although I like to make up my own mind, sometimes life is just too short. Who really wants to watch a remake of a film that, although amazing, was a one-watch movie in the first place?

Patient Zero – 2nd September 2016

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I SAID: The second Matt Smith zombie movie of 2016 and I can’t say anything about it as I’ve just finished working on it and I don’t want to get fired. Oh I’ve just quit. I’m still not saying a word.

AND? This was finished a while back but has been moved around until this year now. It does feel similar to The Girl With All The Gifts but that was terrific. Can Patient Zero be as good?

Jeruzalem – TBC

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I SAID: This one looks interesting. It’s a found footage movie but after The Visit I have a little hope about these type of film again. Judging by the poster and the massive red Z in it I figured this was a zombie movie, however the trailer seems to suggest something a bit more biblical which obviously suits the location – a location that looks incredible in the footage by the way. We’ll see how this turns out, hopefully not just the usual ending with the camera hitting the floor as the lead is dragged off to their death.

AND? Okay not seen this yet. Give me a break, there are only so many found footage movies a guy can cope with.

Lights Out – TBC

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I SAID: Lights Out was a brilliantly simple and effective (really) short film, above, that popped up a couple of years ago online. Now expanded to feature length with Teresa Palmer and some money who knows if the idea of a creature that haunts a woman when the lights go out can work for an hour and a half but I am going to be there on opening day, or in fact night, to find out. 

AND? Yeah it was very likeable. The story was much more focused on a dysfunctional family and mental illness than I thought it would be, and I really appreciated that. Palmer gave a great performance as did Maria Bello as her mother, unhinged and twitchy all the way. However I don’t think the actual conceit of the creature that can only be seen when the lights go out was that well exploited. Sure it was explained and given a backstory – too much of one I think so it lost its mystery. I was hoping for something really clever using light and shadows but we just didn’t get that. Don’t get me wrong, it was still a solid film, I just was hoping for more.

A Man In The Dark – 26th August 2016

I SAID: This is from the director of the remake of Evil Dead so you can already count me in. A blind man who is terrorised by a bunch on teens turns out to be not so helpless after all. Evil Dead‘s Jane Levy is here too.

AND? It became Don’t Breathe and was a very well made horror thriller with some great performances from actors playing characters I couldn’t care less about.

The Girl With All The Gifts – TBC

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I SAID: This could also turn out to be one of the years best horrors. Based on Mike Carey’s excellent book, it is yet another zombie movie but this time the emphasis is on a small zombie girl who might hold the key to humanity’s future, at least that’s what her teacher thinks. Yeah, the kid zombies are slightly smarter than the adult zombies so they send them to school. Plus her teacher is Gemma Arterton in her first horror film since Byzantium which she was great in… although what wasn’t she great in? She’s fantastic in everything. Sigh…

AND? Well I might have written that I thought it could be one of the years best but I didn’t honestly think it WOULD be. And yet there it is at the top of my list for 2016.

So there you go. I wonder how things will turn out next year…

Upcoming Horror in 2017

Considering how little money is spent on the average horror movie it comes as a surprise that 2017 has a lot of big budget studio scary movies coming out. This is in part due to a renewed, and long overdue, interest in Stephen King’s novels but also long gestating projects have gone before the cameras to give us horror fans a treat. This list is far from complete and for all I know some of these might be a complete load of old nonsense but we can but hope for some classics to come this year, and with some serious studio cash behind them…

The Autopsy of Jane Doe – Soon!

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As has been the case for the last few years one of the first films out of the block is one that has been getting a lot of buzz from the festival circuits. Following The Witch, It Follows and The Babadook before them, can The Autopsy of Jane Doe survive the overhype to be a genuine horror classic? Certainly it has a good pedigree with Andre Ovredal of Trollhunter fame, and stars Emile Hirsch and Brian Cox bringing some class to the tale of a strangely perfect female corpse being brought into the father-and-son morticians with one night to discover who she is and how she died. I can tell you now (as I’ve already seen it) it lives up to the hype… which might be me overhyping it again, so now you will think its over rated… damn it!

Split – 20th January

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M. Night Shyamalan has realised that instead of messing around with different genres he should just stick to what he is amazing at. So we get, hot on the heels of The Visit, another potential classic, this time involving split personalities, kidnapping and James McAvoy acting his socks off as 24 characters (in the same body obviously).

Don’t Knock Twice – 3rd February

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There’s not lot of British horror this year (hello Hammer? Where are you when we need you?) but Don’t Knock Twice has some very strong imagery in the trailer and witches are all the rage at the moment, so let’s hope it can hold our flag up proudly this year and be less of an embarrassment than the people who voted for Brexit.

A Cure For Wellness – 24th February

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Director Gore Verbinski may have tested his audience’s patience to the limit with the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels and the bizarrely dull The Lone Ranger, but whatever you think of him you have to agree that he is a visual master of mainstream cinema. The trailers for A Cure for Wellness certainly back this up and with Jason Isaacs and Dane DeHaan in the cast what could possibly go wrong? Okay IMDB says the running time is 146 minutes which seems to suggest Verbinski is still making over long, flabby stories and I’m not sure the tale of a mysterious spa can sustain such length. But hey! What do I know, this is just a preview list, let’s judge it when it comes out yeah?

Kong: Skull Island – 10th March

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King Kong is back and is ALWAYS welcome in my books even if he is clearly played by a man in a monkey suit. Sadly, those days have long since gone but this new version is setting up not only a new franchise but also will serve as a prequel to a grudge match between our giant furry friend and Godzilla. When did the studio system embrace B-movie silliness so fully? Next they’ll be making a big budget remake of… actually you know what? I was trying to think of a ludicrous cheap movie for a studio to remake but I think they’ve done them all now. Hey, I ain’t complaining!

Get Out – 17th March

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Directorial debut from comedian Jordan Peele, Get Out stars the very likeable Daniel Kaluuya travelling to his white girlfriend’s parent’s house only to discover some nasty goings on. At a time when race relations are at a very low point in America, this horror version of Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner? couldn’t come at a better time.

The Belko Experiment – 17th March

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The poster says this is a cross between The Office and Battle Royale so that is the plot basically. I can’t say I’m that excited about such a premise but then it is written by James Gunn and is getting lots of whispers of greatness so we’ll find out soon enough whether its worth getting all worked up about or not.

Raw – March

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This French horror movie has a young vegetarian forced to eat meet during a hazing ritual, after which her taste for flesh gets somewhat out of control. Every few years a horror movie comes out which claims that people passed out during a screening or had to be carried out on a stretcher or even died. Raw is the latest in this fine tradition so I’m hoping to see it at a OAP or mother-and-baby screening to see what happens.

Alien: Covenant – 19th May

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Being one of two people who had no problem with Prometheus I can’t wait for Alien: Covenant. Obviously 20th Century Fox and Ridley Scott are making sure people know this is an Alien prequel rather than a Prometheus sequel and if they haven’t had a panic-stricken rewrite of the script a month before shooting then this shouldn’t have the problems that had so many people up in arms last time round. Really people: characters doing stupid things in terrible situations is the bread-and-butter of horror movies, get over it. Also, judging by the poster and trailer this Alien movie is really getting back to it’s horror roots. I LOVE the Alien franchise when its at its best, let’s hope Scott, in his twilight years, can pull another classic out of the bag.

The Mummy – 9th June

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Although yet another big budget Mummy movie in theory isn’t that exciting, especially after the Brendan Fraser/sand particles years, Universal is trying to kick start a movie monsters shared universe franchise with this new version. What self respecting horror fan isn’t interested in that? Plus Tom Cruise rarely does bad films so there’s real hope here. There still seemed to be a lot of sand particles in the trailer though so I’m not getting my hopes up too much.

The Dark Tower – 28th July

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The King revival starts here… this time with a massive budget, a franchise stretching over cinema and television, and some of the best Hollywood stars acting today. I’ve not read any of the horror fantasy western epics this is based on but I have only ever heard amazing things about them. Lots of fingers crossed here.

Annabelle 2 – 11th August

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Another sequel to a film no one but me liked but you know… suck it. This time the director is David F. Sandberg who did a very solid job with Lights Out so things are looking up. Plus the setting is an orphanage and orphanages are ALWAYS creepy places. At least it isn’t a family being harassed by a demon which I have had enough of, and if it has one scene that is half as good as the basement sequence from the first movie then I’ll be happy.

It – 8th September

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The novel It is probably Stephen King’s best work and turning it into a film has been a long and painful process. Folks have fond memories of the TV miniseries from 1990 but really, apart from an amazing turn from Tim Curry as Pennywise the Clown it has not aged well. Things were looking very much up when True Detective‘s Cary Joji Fukunaga was attached to direct but a lot of hopes were dashed when he was replaced with Mama‘s Andres Muschetti. This seems a little unfair as Mama was very good entry in the haunted kid sub genre, and as long as the studio hasn’t interfered too much, this It could still turn out rather good. The story, characters and the town of Derry are so strong and well defined in King’s novel that it would take a real load of numpties to bugger this one up. Please let this be good.

Friday The 13th – 13th October

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After a weird and unnecessary EIGHT year wait we are finally getting a new outing for Jason Voorhees. Little is known about the plot but hopefully they haven’t spent all this time overthinking things – just give us Jason, some hot teenagers, some outrageous kills and a bit of a twist and we’ll be quite happy. If it turns out to be an origin story then that WILL be depressing (it didn’t work for Michael Myers, Hannibal Lecter or Darth Vader so why would it work for Jason?), but on the positive side it is directed by Breck Eisner who has done solid work in the past so lets see how this latest entry turns out. I mean there have been so many of these films now, and so many terrible ones, that it can’t really be that bad, can it?

Before I Wake – One Day!

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Mike Flanagan’s career is going great and it has been since Oculus hit the screens. Immediately after that modest hit he set to work on the follow up, shooting Before I Wake at the end of 2013… and here it is four years later after various production and distribution companies have gone bust whilst handling it. Will the story of a boy who’s dreams and nightmares manifest themselves in real life be worth the wait? Well it has Kate Bosworth in it so… um… let’s see huh?

Gerald’s Game – When Netflix feel like it

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Mike Flanagan is back, again, working with Netflix to make one of Stephen King’s least filmable novels. The plot centres on a woman tied to a bed after her husband drops dead in the middle of some rumpy pumpy. You couldn’t get much less cinematic than that, but then last year’s Hush was clearly a dry run for Flanagan’s attempt at horror experimentation and with Netflix willing to take a few risks let’s hope this turns out to be the next Misery, rather than, say, the next Dreamcatcher.

Sadako Vs Kayako (AKA Ring Vs Grudge) – Soon!

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Okay, there is an American sequel to the remakes coming out at some point this year but who cares about that when you have a verses movie where you have the black haired ghost of the Ring movies having a fight with the black haired ghost of the Grudge movies. This is what trashy horror movies are all about, and this as silly as you can get… in a good way.

Suspiria – This Year

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Last year the remake no one wanted was Martyrs, and so it proved as not only did no one watch it but no one even notice it quietly slop onto VOD like a dying fish. This year we have Suspiria. The original is one of Dario Argento’s finest and remaking it seems quite, quite pointless: the plot barely made a scrap of sense and the film’s main selling point was Argento’s magical set pieces and visuals. No one wants a new version of the story of a girl sent to a ballet school which turns out to be run by a coven of witches. Sure witches are in, and sure ballet was in the other year when Black Swan came out but… really? Okay so its got a good director in Luca Guadagnino (I Am Love) and a solid cast… and lets face it we were all wrong about the Evil Dead remake so I’ll still probably see it, and maybe, with a bit of luck, even love it.

 

This, in fact, could be a bumper year for horror. As much as I have loved so many of the small independent features we have had of late, I am so excited for some of these big studio pictures. Maybe we will get another Carrie or The Exorcist, or at the very least another The Keep. Or if we’re really lucky a Lifeforce. We can but hope…

 

 

 

Top 10 Horror Movies of 2016

So as no one mourns the end of 2016, least of all me, we can at least take some comfort in the fact that it was another solid year for horror. Not that it was always easy to WATCH horror movies with all the awful things going on in the world. This last year has been my least prolific on My Own Personal Hell not for a lack of trying but between Trump, Brexit, celebrity and personal deaths and various atrocities throughout the world, sometimes the “joy and fun” of horror is too difficult to stomach. I’ve mostly been watching Rick and Morty on a loop to try and cheer myself up, and even that has a scene where the two protagonists have to bury their own corpses from an alternative reality and take their places.

I wouldn’t say that this last year was as good as 2015 – in fact where as then I had TOO many films to fit onto the list, this time round I struggled to fill the top ten. That’s not to say that there weren’t a lot of good films, or at least goodish, but top ten worthy? Well there were just about enough…

 

10. The Boy

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Its weird how, despite Halloween being near the end of the year, it is the first few month which offers the best of the genre. Maybe the gap before the summer blockbusters leaves a suitable hole for horror, or maybe its just that the bleak mid winter is a natural time for such tales. Whatever the case The Boy is a perfect slice of hugely entertaining gothic horror silliness with a great central performance from The Walking Dead‘s Lauren Cohan. The Boy is no great shakes story-wise but it is like a tin of Heinz Cream of Tomato soup, perfect comfort for the horror fan. Not sure why the boy in the picture above is the weird kid from M.A.D. magazine though.

9. Under The Shadow

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If you want something a bit different then hop on over to Iran for your scares. A tight urban haunting set during the Iran-Iraq war in the early eighties, although the basics of the story have been seen many (too many some might say) times before, it is the setting of time and place which really make Under The Shadow feel fresh and original. Not only is there the back drop of the war to contend with but also the struggles of an educated woman after the Iranian revolution. Add in a genuinely creepy and different spirit and you have one of the most original feeling films of the year. Apart from the basic story that is.

8. Blair Witch

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This surprised me. At the time I was kind of dismissive of Blair Witch as a slicker semi remake of the original, and indeed that is kind of what it is. Most of the new ideas seem like missed opportunities rather than good narrative or visual plot devices and the found footage genre continues its slow death. And yet not only was it one of the most intense films I’ve seen this year with genuine scares and strong atmosphere but its also one of the few I kept on thinking about for days after.

7. SiREN

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SiREN takes the original short film Amateur Night (from VHS) and really runs with it, exploring the story in interesting and original ways. The film is obviously cheap as chips and its ambitions are frequently let down by the lack of budget, but you have to admire the film makers balls for trying something different and interesting here.

6. The Conjuring 2

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If there is one problem with the a lot of horror recently it is that it is really running the haunted/possessed family story into the ground. We’ve had so many films doing this of late, particularly since the critical smash that was The Babadook. Under The Shadow and The Other Side of The Door are just the top end of an almost never ending dirge of demons, devils, witches and ghostly murderers all trying to take the bodies of various family members. The Conjuring 2, like its prequel, once more stands head and shoulders above the rest of the pack. It helps that it is based on a “true” story and with a budget to realise its period setting and set pieces. What really makes The Conjuring 2 work though is its characters, cast and exceptional direction – not much to ask for really! It also has a killer nun which always helps.

5. Train to Busan

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South Korea continues to prove itself to be one of the best producers of mainstream films outside of America with Train to Busan being a deeply unoriginal zombie movie (aren’t they all nowadays?) which at the same time is a great slice of terror entertainment and full of dynamic action.

4. Bone Tomahawk

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Barely a horror film until the final, grisly act, Bone Tomahawk still has a pervading sense of dread throughout the whole film that few westerns ever touch on. The Wild West really WAS wild with mankind set free to do what the hell it wanted to its fellow man. Only the small gang of very flawed heroes led by Kurt Russell can stand up against such evil in what is essentially a cannibalistic version of The Searchers. Russell has never been better but the rest of the gang are all at the top of their game too – Patrick Wilson, Matthew Fox and especially Richard Jenkins as Russell’s foolish but also rather wonderful deputy and best friend.

3. Green Room

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Green Room could not surely have been released at a better time in America than 2016. It shows the Alt-Right/Neo Nazis as the monsters they are at a time when the American people were just getting to know who they were. Sadly not enough people saw Green Room to be put off voting for the person these hateful people supported during the election. Whatever the case, it is still a terrifically tense movie which showcases the late Anton Yelchin in one of his coolest and most charismatic performances. He will be greatly missed.

2. The Witch

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Okay, so The Witch is in a lot of people’s top tens for 2016 and with good reason. You can look elsewhere to read about the great performances, the cold, stark look of the film and a story that you have no idea where it is going, but really its at number two because it has a goat in it called Black Phillip.

1.The Girl With All The Gifts

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So the film I most enjoyed this year totally contradicts what I was saying earlier about zombie films being unoriginal. The Girl With All Gifts surely follows and is influenced by such classics as Day of the Dead for its military bunker location and 28 Days Later for its British setting, but it has such a strong and different perspective on the genre that it comes across as totally unique. This is of course down to the girl of the title and her world view, and a great performance from Sennia Nunua. By keeping with her throughout the film we see the zombie apocalypse not only in all its chaos and violence but also how it can bring about something new and transcendent to humanity. This isn’t just an intelligent study on life and death though, it is also a rip roaring horror movie with great performances and terrific action.

 

 

 

 

 

12 Awful Human Monsters in Horror Movies

I’m not that keen on humanity as a whole at the moment. Certain groups keep on making really stupid decisions which ruins things for the rest of us who, weirdly are just trying to spend our lives being nice to each other. So where better to escape from reality than the comfort of a good old horror movie. However even then there are some villainous and evil people mucking about in the swamp of life. Here’s a dozen of them:

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President Greg Stillson – The Dead Zone (Martin Sheen)

Let’s start with the obvious. Not only is this man a self serving narcissistic maniac who won’t listen to his advisers and almost sends the world into a nuclear apocalyptic oblivion but he also shields himself from would-be assassins with a baby. A baby! What a cunt.

 

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Rhodes – Day of the dead (Joseph Pilato)

From the moment he steps on screen you know that Rhodes is a massive toss-pot. Having risen in the ranks of his squad due to his seniors being eaten, Rhodes is now in charge of a science and military base and is clearly out of his depth. He seems to have forgotten that his main duty is to protect the civilians not shoot them in the head to make a point. Thank god for the zombie horde. When they finally shuffle into the base Rhodes makes the best dinner a member of the undead could ask for. “Choke on them!” he screams as his intestines are pulled out of his stomach. But the zombies don’t choke on them. In fact Rhodes makes a very satisfying meal.

 

FRANKENHOOKER, James Lorinz, 1990, © Shapiro Glickenhaus

 

Jeffrey Franken – Frankenhooker (James Lorinz)

Look, I know that Jeffrey’s intentions are honourable. All he wants to do is bring back his dead girlfriend who died in bizarre gardening accident, but he’s clearly lost the plot with his methods. In order to get replacement parts he tempts prostitutes with what he feels are the only things that they could possibly be interested in – money and crack. And this isn’t just any old crack but super crack which makes people explode. So when he has a party which ends up with seven hookers exploding all over the hotel room, he could at least feel a little bit bad about what he’s done. But no: he may have made terrible assumptions about sex workers which resulted in all their deaths, but he only cares about how now he can use their breasts to make the perfect woman. Sometimes you’ve got to stop and think about what awful decisions you’re making in your life.

 

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Evan – Knock Knock (Keanu Reeves)

Evan can scream “I’m a good person!” all he likes but if you’re going to have sex with two way too young women whilst your wife and kids are away then you deserve to be tied up, beaten, buried alive and have your dog stolen. Well maybe not the last one, no one deserves that.

 

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Aunt Julia – Hellraiser (Clare Higgins)

Talking about following your base instincts, Aunt Julia’s sole driving force in Clive Barker’s classic is her desire to have lots and lots of steamy hot sex with Frank. It doesn’t seem to matter that Frank is a skinless corpse who’s escaped from hell, Julia will do anything do get back in the sack with him. This includes murdering her husband, her step-daughter and any passing businessman who’s unfortunate enough to be caught in her sights.

 

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Pete –  Shaun of the dead (Peter Serafinowicz)

Pete is a terrible human being even before he’s turned into a zombie and tries to eat our heroes. He’s the worst kind of flat mate – bad tempered, self righteous,  patronizing and always trying to sleep. He also doesn’t know how to party or even how to enjoy himself in any way. The moment he enters a room he ruins what ever mood is happening. He’s an embarrassment really. And he’s an even more of an embarrassment as a zombie: stumbling about completely naked, his undead cock flapping about in the wind, making everyone feel awkward when they should be running for their lives.

 

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Christine Brown – Drag Me To Hell (Alison Lohman)

I’m guessing we’re meant to have some sympathy for Christine as she’s cursed to be murdered and, indeed, dragged to hell by the demon Lamia. But come on… she deserves what she gets. Trying to prove to your boss how tough you are by throwing an old lady out of her home is not “just business” its downright immoral. Plus you killed your own cat. I’m more of a dog man myself but I wouldn’t kill my cat if I had one… although my dog would probably do it for me.

 

Prod DB © Lions Gate Films / DR THE DEVIL'S REJECTS (THE DEVIL'S REJECTS) de Rob Zombie 2005 USA / ALL avec Sid Haig, Bill Moseley et Sheri Moon horreur, gore, otage, prisonniers, attaches, torture

Otis, Baby and Captain Spalding – The Devil’s Rejects (Bill Moseley, Sheri Moon Zombie, Sid Haig)

Having murdered every innocent person in their path, at the end of the film this gang is tied up by a revenge-crazed sheriff and tortured. Suddenly the music sores and… what? Are we meant to feel sorry for them? Excuse me, but as the victim of violent crime myself, and having just sat through the horrors of watching this bunch of asshole’s killing anyone they feel like, I don’t give a flying fuck about them and hope they all burn in hell. Maybe I’m taking this whole thing way too personally.

 

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John Kramer – Saw films (Tobin Bell)

Okay I know he is meant to be the villain here but as above I think the film makers want us to feel some sympathy for him. Well not me. He is one of the most sanctimonious, self righteous pricks ever committed to a long running horror franchise. He’s so up on his high horse, making judgements about everyone from his stupid cancer-ridden death bed. And then he always has to add one final twist at the end of every film – ” It was all about you Gary! Always you!”” Oh Linda. YOU were the game after all! You!” What a massive wanker.

 


imageJimmy Mortimer – Friday the 13th: the Final Chapter (Crispin Glover)

There’s a plethora of annoying characters in the Friday the 13th films, and really Jimmy Mortimer isn’t much worse than the rest of them but none of the others are as preoccupied with proving what a great lover in bed as he is. Or at least not a “dead fuck” whatever the hell that is. And actually he is pretty awful in the sack judging by the look of horror the girl he is with gives when he rams his tongue down her throat. If only there was some crazed killer stalking nearby that could finish him off with a rogue kitchen utensil…

 

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Margaret White – Carrie (Laurie Piper)

Margaret White ruins everything. In the name of religious purity she destroys a young girl’s life and sets the course for all the death and destruction that follows. As a parent you are meant to give your children the mental tools to grow up and become an adult in the world. Margaret White, however, gives Carrie nothing but a load of old fire and brimstone hogwash, to such an extent that the poor thing doesn’t even know how her own body works. To be fair to White she almost certainly is insane and probably got raped by the devil but still… learn some parenting skills for God’s sake or you’ll end up being killed with a potato peeler!

 

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Mrs Carmody – The Mist (Marcia May Harden)

As religious nutters go Mrs Carmody trumps Margaret White by a country mile. She might act like she’s on the side of right when The Mist starts killing people but really she’s just exploiting America’s fears for her own gain. She uses religion to make herself the main power in the supermarket everyone is trapped in, but she clearly has no morals. The moment anyone disagrees with her or has alternative idea she suggests to her followers that they should think about killing them. Sound familiar? At least someone has the good sense to lob a tin of baked beans at her head to get her to shut the fuck up.

 

 

 

Upcoming Horror in 2016


Well 2015 was a pretty good year all in, and perhaps 2016 will continue this happy trend. There’s already at least one classic in the list (The Witch) and also a sequel to a classic (The Conjuring 2), but then there’s also more found footage, more zombies and yet another Texas Chainsaw movie… Okay so this list isn’t exactly me saying I recommend these films, mainly because I haven’t seen any of them. But there is hope in amongst these titles. And hope, as they say, is a good thing

 

The Forest – 26th February 2016

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Okay I take that back, there isn’t much hope for The Forest as it is already out in America and everyone hated it. On the positive side it has Natalie Dormer playing twins, a forest where people go to kill themselves and it’s set in Japan: Twins, suicide, Japan – three things I’m fascinated by. Let’s give it a go eh?

The Boy – 19th February 2016

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The trailer for The Boy was freaking the shit out of people a few weeks ago. I’m not so sure, I’ve been around enough devil dolls, haunted toys and living dummies to be more than a little jaded by the whole thing. On the one hand it stars The Walking Dead‘s delightful Lauren Cohan who hopefully will get to show some more range other than just crying and stabbing zombies in the brain. On the other hand it’s directed by the guy who made The Devil Inside which still makes the blood boil of anyone who has watched it – go to YouTube to find out what happens next!?!?!? YouTube!??!!!!!!!!!

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies – 11th February 2016

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Weirdly this is the first of two zombie movies starring Doctor Who‘s Matt Smith out this year. This has been trying to go before the cameras for a few years now, they struggled a lot trying to sign a decent cast, but now with Lily James they’ve got someone high profile enough that it should prove to be at least a minor hit. I have no idea if it’s going to be any good though, the trailer was exactly what you’d expect of it – all frocks, dancing and shooting the undead in slow motion.

The Witch – 11th March 2016

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Already touted as the one to beat, this looks like it could be a future classic, although they said that about The Babadook and they, whoever they are, were wrong. Mind, they also said it about It Follows and then they were right. So don’t trust them, let’s just go watch the film and make our own minds up.

 

The Green Inferno – 12th February 2016

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Here we are three years after it was finished, two years after it was shown in festivals and several months after it can out in the U.S. of A. and Eli Roth’s cannibal munch down still isn’t out over here. Some may say it’s not worth the wait and they may be right, although I do think Roth’s films get a bad wrap because he is allegedly a mind boggingly rude person. However I don’t know the guy and just like his films, plus there just aren’t enough cannibal movies kicking around nowadays so I’m queuing up with some spare ribs and bag of intestines whatever the case.

 

Bone Tomahawk – 19th February 2016

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Talking of cannibals, you wait for one and… but this is in the very small sub genre of the horror western. In fact its really in the even more obscure sub genre of the cannibal horror western which I think is populated with like three movies. More importantly its got Kurt Fucking Russell on a horse with a massive moustache… sold!

 

The Conjuring 2: The Enfield Ghost – 17th June 2016

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Well here we are, the sequel to one of the biggest horror hits in years and they’ve relocated to the glamour of Enfield in North London, in the 1970s. That alone makes me shiver. That must have been fun for the cast. Anyway, the story itself is pretty well known and might not break any new grounds  but then you could have said the same about the first film. The story is almost besides the point, what will make The Conjuring 2 good or not will be the quality of James Wan’s direction and the commitment of Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson as Lorraine and Ed Warren. Wan said he was done doing haunted house movies after Insidious 2 but maybe the experience of the last Fast and Furious film has stoked up his horror side again. The least we can hope for are some quality frights even if the film ends up being a retread of the last one. I hope not though.

31 – TBC

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Say what you want about Rob Zombie but you’ve got to admire his dedication to the genre. Here a bunch of carnival workers are kidnapped by evil clowns and forced to survive some crazed game for twelve hours. You know this is going to be incredibly violent and most likely a bit upsetting. But it’s also going to unlike any other film makers work and that is a good thing. After this I think it’s time for Rob to sell out and make a zombie movie: Rob Zombie’s Zombies just works.

Visions – TBC

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Hmmm… Well Visions could be really good or it could be really ball sucky, it all comes down to two things – are the visions of the title super frikken scary and when the visions are finally revealed for what they are, will they blow our minds or will we chuck a half chewed hot dog at the screen? The trailer doesn’t give much away other than seeming to be a bog standard pregnant woman freaked out in a new town plot but Isla Fisher is an interesting choice as the lead and Jim Parsons plays a doctor. No not this one you fools, the other one!

The Neon Demon – TBC

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A cross between Valley of the Dolls and Starry Eyes, this could go any way. However, directed by Nicolas Winding Refn (of Drive) it will at least be beautiful to look at and sound great. Add in Jenna Malone, Elle Fanning, Christine Hendricks and Keanu Reeves and it could be bloody brilliant.

Leatherface  – TBC

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A prequel (sigh) about Leatherface’s teenage years is a TERRIBLE idea. It’s really awful, I mean they tried it with Hannibal Lector and everybody hated that, even the author, and he wrote it. I don’t see how this is going to work at all apart from its directed by the team who made Inside and the weird and wonderful French vampire movie (sorta) Livid a few years ago, so I’m still going to see it. I’m sad it’s not in 3D though, I want more chainsaws coming out of the screen type action. Oh well…

 

Martyrs – TBC

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More horror with a French flavour, the original Martyrs is a hands down classic and a gut-wrenching cinematic marvel to boot. I don’t know if a remake can add anything to the story without undermining it but it’s coming whether you like it or not. And worryingly at least the marketing team behind the film, if not the makers themselves, don’t seem to understand what they have here as the trailer gives away the main plot. What worked so well with the original was how you really had no idea where the story was going.

 

Patient Zero – 2nd September 2016

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The second Matt Smith zombie movie of 2016 and I can’t say anything about it as I’ve just finished working on it and I don’t want to get fired. Oh I’ve just quit. I’m still not saying a word.

 

Jeruzalem – TBC

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This one looks interesting. It’s a found footage movie but after The Visit I have a little hope about these type of film again. Judging by the poster and the massive red Z in it I figured this was a zombie movie, however the trailer seems to suggest something a bit more biblical which obviously suits the location – a location that looks incredible in the footage by the way. We’ll see how this turns out, hopefully not just the usual ending with the camera hitting the floor as the lead is dragged off to their death.

 

Lights Out – TBC

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Lights Out was a brilliantly simple and effective (really) short film, above, that popped up a couple of years ago online. Now expanded to feature length with Teresa Palmer and some money who knows if the idea of a creature that haunts a woman when the lights go out can work for an hour and a half but I am going to be there on opening day, or in fact night, to find out. 

 

A Man In The Dark – 26th August 2016

This is from the director of the remake of Evil Dead so you can already count me in. A blind man who is terrorised by a bunch on teens turns out to be not so helpless after all. Evil Dead‘s Jane Levy is here too.

 

The Girl With All The Gifts – TBC

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This could also turn out to be one of the years best horrors. Based on Mike Carey’s excellent book, it is yet another zombie movie but this time the emphasis is on a small zombie girl who might hold the key to humanity’s future, at least that’s what her teacher thinks. Yeah, the kid zombies are slightly smarter than the adult zombies so they send them to school. Plus her teacher is Gemma Arterton in her first horror film since Byzantium which she was great in… although what wasn’t she great in? She’s fantastic in everything. Sigh…

Top Ten Horrors of 2015

As I bleed all over my keyboard from a grisly kitchen accent involving my fingers, a sink of murky water and a rather sharp meat slicer it occurs to me what a great year last year was for horror movies. So difficult it was difficult to pin down just ten films which were fantastic examples of the genre. But here we are, ten films of which I suspect you already know what number one is. But then what choice did I have? I have to admit I missed a couple of films, Krampus and Crimson Peak, life just got too much in the way for me to see everything. Still, here we go:

10. The Final Girls

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This year was a really good year for horror comedies – surely one of the hardest genres to pull off. One of the kings of the horror comedy Joe Dante failed to do it justice with Burying the Ex and the similar Life After Beth was almost unbearable (actually unbearable, I still can’t get through it). The Final Girls doesn’t really work that well as a horror movie, it’s too bright and sparkly to have any scares but the comedy is really funny, delivered by a great cast, plus it works really well on an emotional level. So yes basically I’ve started my top ten with a something that fails at what it sets out to do, but you know if we can boil horror down to just one thing then that thing is facing death, and this meta tale of a daughter getting a chance to spend time with her dead mother in a Friday the 13th rip off is all about that.

9. Lost River

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Wow, poor Ryan Gosling. Okay so he’s rich, successful, talented and handsome but still, the poor guy. His directorial debut was torn to shreds upon its release and I don’t really know why. Okay maybe I do. It has a fairly simple story, is ponderous and doesn’t explain itself a lot of the time – it’s set in some future America where everyone seems to live on poverty row and get off on baroque/horror live shows. However, the plot seems to be more of a backdrop for some crazy and beautiful visuals and surreal dream-like imagery. You can certainly see influences such as David Lynch but there’s also a lot of horror references going on here too – from Argento Reds to Hammer gothic. It’s weird and dreamlike and not entirely successful but damn it’s a brave film to make when you’re just seen as a handsome sex symbol. I’m still thinking about Lost River after all this time, perhaps we all will be in twenty years time.

8. We Are Still Here

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I’m always complaining about films being too long but if We Are Still Here was ten minutes longer I’m sure it would be much higher in the list. It’s dripping with cold, isolated atmosphere and the great practical effects really give it an old school charm. In fact it reminds me a lot of John Carpenter’s The Fog in story and in tone, which surely is a good thing. I just wish there had a bit more character development- it’s always good to see Barbara Crampton but her character is literally a one note greiving mother and nothing else. A few more minutes might have given her and the others a bit more depth. Oh but that’s a minor complaint… This is a quality horror that delivers a vicious, blood soaked climax.

7. The Town That Dreaded Sundown

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Beautifully shot meta slasher that’s a film about a film about a real life bunch of murders. What works best is its understanding of how violence can warp and damage a community, perfectly acted in microcosm by lead girl Addison Timlin. Plus someone is killed with a trombone, always a winner.

6. What We Do In The Shadows

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I might regret putting this not at the top of the list one day as it is so packed full of one liners and silly asides that I imagine it will become as quotable and re watchable as This Is Spinal Tap, the film it is most similar to. Four vampires living in a house share in modern New Zealand act like a rock band, traipsing around the streets behaving all superior to humanity whilst being unable to get into nightclubs. As clever a piss take of horror films as it is what it really nails is what it means to be a bunch of losers living in a dump together.

5. Spring

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We haven’t had this much romance in horror since Geena Davis blew Jeff Goldblum’s brains out in The Fly. Here there’s still a lot of body horror but also a lot of hope as the weird romance blossoms between Lou Taylor Pucci and the Lovecraftian and exotic Nadia Hilker in a beautiful Mediterranean setting. It helps that both the leads are committed and brilliant, plus there’s also a hilarious smaller role for The Battery‘s Jeremy Gardner who seems to be drunk most of the throughout.

4. Housebound

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Talking of committed performances, Morgana O’Reilly as the rubbish criminal and so housebound lead of this brilliant New Zealand horror comedy has possibly the finest collection of withering looks committed to film. The fact that this was also one of my sister’s favourite films of the year says a huge amount about how appealing O’Reilly is in this role. Perhaps my sister can see something of her teenage years in Morgana – trapped in a house full of ghosts, memories and a mother who loves Coronation Street, and only her wits and put downs to pull her through. This could be the best horror film of the year which shows how high the quality is this year.

3. The Visit

 

 

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Everyone has been down on M. Night Shamalamadingdong since Mel Gibson beat an alien invasion with a glass of water but I’ve never lost faith – hell I even own a copy of The Happening. The Visit proves me right all along that Shyamalan is still a great film maker. It also proves me wrong as I’ve been moaning on about how found footage is dead for years now and The Visit is a great slice of home film making… Well of course it’s not but maybe it just shows that if you want to compete in the found footage genre nowadays you have to master traditional film making skills first. Also this has one of the best last lines in a film ever and I’m pretty sure that helped rise this film in my estimation alone. Well not just alone, there’s also the great child performances, emotionally interesting characters, freaky scares and, literally, some weird shit.

2. Last Shift

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Out of nowhere comes scraping and crawling this terrifying pure horror movie. Promoted as a genre take on Assault on Precinct 13 it is in fact more like a freaky-police-station-set version of The Shining. Whilst the story itself is fairly simple what director Anthony DiBlasi does with the mood and atmosphere is almost unrivalled. The setting seems to get smaller and more claustrophobic as the film progresses and there are many genuine scares that very few films can match. On top of that we have Juliana Harkavy as the tough but believable cop that we genuinely care about.

  1. It Follows

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Other than horror comedies the big sub genre of 2015 was the art house horror. Lost River and A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night were both beautiful and weird works in their own right but It Follows transcended its niche because not only was it hauntingly beautiful to look at it also had one of the best ideas for a horror story in a very long time. Not only that but it also had, brace yourself, strong characters, exciting set pieces, a knock out opening scene, incredible location work, massive attention to detail, genuine moments of horror, some great ensemble acting, (but also) a fantastic lead performance from Maika Monroe, that weird shell, no adults, the best soundtrack of the year, endless rewatchability and gave audiences an unnerving feeling that THEY were being followed for days  afterwards. I know this film is still being hyped up after all these months but it really is a work of genius. Just please, please, please don’t let me back here in year’s to come talking about a sequel. It would be like doing a sequel to Halloween – it just wouldn’t work.

 

Ten Horror Part Fours

By the time a horror series reaches part four it has usually ran out of ideas and energy. This isn’t always the case of course but more often than not the films are now only being made for the money. That’s not to say that there aren’t people trying to make the best films they can, of course they are, but somewhere along the way the demand to bash out a fourth film in a franchise is more about hitting a release date and getting bums on seats than it is about telling a compelling story. Well that’s the theory anyway. But is that always the case? Well…

 

Paranormal Activity 4

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Paranormal Activity 3 was a resounding success. Although it didn’t actually progress the main story much, by going back to the 80s and telling the story of the two sisters being haunted and hunted it gave the series a much needed boost after the dull number 2. So it was only logical to bring back the same directors for PA 4. They had after all done the marvellous Catfish so knew what they were doing with a video camera… apart from they forgot by the time this boring load of old shite came along. Instead of concentrating on characters from the previous films we were introduced to some boring teens and….nothing happens! There’s slow build up and then there’s watching paint dry. This was watching paint dry. Sure there has been a Latino spin off and now a 3D finale but Part 4 arguably killed this once exciting franchise.

A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

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After the frankly weird Freddy’s Revenge, Part 3 Dream Warriors was quite the comeback. It was faster, more imaginative and funnier than anyone expected and Patricia Arquette was a great lead… a great lead who didn’t come back for the fourth chapter probably because it had nothing to say other than don’t turn into a giant cockroach or Freddy will crush you to death. This may have been the most successful of the films but man is it dull. When the highlight is Freddy making the joke, er, okay, I’ve checked, there are no good lines in this movie. Okay so it might have been a hit but I suspect that that was because people enjoyed part 3 so much on VHS. After this letdown this franchise also started a very rapid downward trajectory, Part 5: The Dream Child underperformed and after that Freddy was dead (in Freddy’s Dead). Not that that stopped him from not being dead. Talking of which…

Friday the 13th Part 4 The Final Chapter

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If we’re going to talk about running out of ideas, would it be wrong to suggest that the Friday the 13th films ran out of them about halfway through the first movie? The others were big hits but I think everyone realised that they had nothing left to say by the time Part 4 came along. So the decision was made to finish the damned thing (ha!). Needless to say the characters are mostly awful as usual with only a small child (Corey Feldman) showing any talent in front of the camera but at least Tom Savini came back to do some great make up effects. This is still rubbish but for some reason its the most loved in the never ending franchise.

Hellraiser Bloodlines

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This was the last Hellraiser movie to get a theatrical release and it is easy to see why. It is a big old mess (studio interference allegedly) with the plot taking place across three time periods and it ends with Pinhead in space, which of course we all know means that when a film series ends up in space you might as well launch yourself into the stars, preferably with a one way ticket to the sun, because you will die along with any hope fo redemption for your movies. I still think its better than Part 3: Hell on Earth because it doesn’t have a cenobite called CD Head but that’s just a personal preference.

Exorcist The Beginning & Dominion – 2 for 1 Bargain Pack

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Let’s face it you can’t top The Exorcist. Part 2 failed miserably and Part 3 has its moments but isn’t really about exorcism until the end when the studio forced them to add one on. So when Warner Brothers commissioned Paul Schrader to come up with a fourth film the poor guy was always going to struggle. Little did he know that when he finished the film and turned it in the studio would hate it so much they shot the whole thing again with Renny Harlin (of A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 4‘s fame) and this time the studio… hated this one too. Idiots.

Land of the Dead

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George A. Romero desperately wanted to finish his Dead series with Day of the Dead. It makes sense: Night, Dawn, Day – done! However when he turned in his epic script the budget was going to be huge. It was also going to be a massive gorefest. The money men said you can either tone down the gore and get the budget or leave it in and we’ll give you a couple of shillings and be on your way. He took the high road and we got the classic Day of the Dead, but the story was never complete. Ironically it was the remake of Dawn of the Dead that resulted in Romero being given enough money to make Land of the Dead. It never reached the heights of the first three but was still better than most zombie movies. Weirdly the studio (there’s a pattern forming here) refused to let Romero cast a black man as the male lead like, say, the last three Dead films, so he cast black actor Eugene Clark as the lead zombie instead just to piss them off.

Frankenstein Created Woman

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Hammer was well on its way to running out of its own ideas when it got to its fourth Frankenstein in ten years. However maybe out of a desperate desire to not just do the same old thing they came up with a strangely romantic and affecting tale of doomed young love – doomed young love that ends up with the man’s brain in the woman’s body! Okay it’s crazy, but Terence Fisher directed it and the film looks beautiful. Plus the ever dependable Peter Cushing is in it so obviously it is twenty times better than a film without Peter Cushing in it.

Alien Resurrection

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Alien was a razor sharp haunted house in space slice of cinema perfection. Aliens was the most exciting film ever made. Alien 3 had its (studio created) problems but had some great moments and ended the series on a nihilistic but poetic note. So obviously a fourth film had precisely nowhere to go. It lumps along like a weird version of Spaceballs but not as good. The final creature at the end has a stupid little cute nose and gets sucked out into space through a tiny hole and cries whilst its doing it. Its not the only thing that sucked.

Resident Evil: Afterlife

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I mean really… I didn’t think much of the first one but I was shocked to find that Part 4 starts of with a perfect rip off of the corridor shoot out from The Matrix. This was in 2010. People had given up copying The Matrix about the same time the Warchowski’s gave up caring about The Matrix in 2003. I can’t say anything else about the film because I can’t remember anything about it. Of course being boring and forgettable meant it was also the most financially successful of the series.

Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes

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This, people, is a nadir for the not-that-great-in-the-first-place Amityville movies and a warning to all other potential horror franchises: if you are going to make a fourth film in a series and you have already done fact! (the first one), incest! (Part 2: The Possesion) and of course 3D!, then the only way forward is NOT a haunted lamp stand.

It just isn’t.