I’m not that keen on humanity as a whole at the moment. Certain groups keep on making really stupid decisions which ruins things for the rest of us who, weirdly are just trying to spend our lives being nice to each other. So where better to escape from reality than the comfort of a good old horror movie. However even then there are some villainous and evil people mucking about in the swamp of life. Here’s a dozen of them:
President Greg Stillson – The Dead Zone (Martin Sheen)
Let’s start with the obvious. Not only is this man a self serving narcissistic maniac who won’t listen to his advisers and almost sends the world into a nuclear apocalyptic oblivion but he also shields himself from would-be assassins with a baby. A baby! What a cunt.
Rhodes – Day of the dead (Joseph Pilato)
From the moment he steps on screen you know that Rhodes is a massive toss-pot. Having risen in the ranks of his squad due to his seniors being eaten, Rhodes is now in charge of a science and military base and is clearly out of his depth. He seems to have forgotten that his main duty is to protect the civilians not shoot them in the head to make a point. Thank god for the zombie horde. When they finally shuffle into the base Rhodes makes the best dinner a member of the undead could ask for. “Choke on them!” he screams as his intestines are pulled out of his stomach. But the zombies don’t choke on them. In fact Rhodes makes a very satisfying meal.
Jeffrey Franken – Frankenhooker (James Lorinz)
Look, I know that Jeffrey’s intentions are honourable. All he wants to do is bring back his dead girlfriend who died in bizarre gardening accident, but he’s clearly lost the plot with his methods. In order to get replacement parts he tempts prostitutes with what he feels are the only things that they could possibly be interested in – money and crack. And this isn’t just any old crack but super crack which makes people explode. So when he has a party which ends up with seven hookers exploding all over the hotel room, he could at least feel a little bit bad about what he’s done. But no: he may have made terrible assumptions about sex workers which resulted in all their deaths, but he only cares about how now he can use their breasts to make the perfect woman. Sometimes you’ve got to stop and think about what awful decisions you’re making in your life.
Evan – Knock Knock (Keanu Reeves)
Evan can scream “I’m a good person!” all he likes but if you’re going to have sex with two way too young women whilst your wife and kids are away then you deserve to be tied up, beaten, buried alive and have your dog stolen. Well maybe not the last one, no one deserves that.
Aunt Julia – Hellraiser (Clare Higgins)
Talking about following your base instincts, Aunt Julia’s sole driving force in Clive Barker’s classic is her desire to have lots and lots of steamy hot sex with Frank. It doesn’t seem to matter that Frank is a skinless corpse who’s escaped from hell, Julia will do anything do get back in the sack with him. This includes murdering her husband, her step-daughter and any passing businessman who’s unfortunate enough to be caught in her sights.
Pete – Shaun of the dead (Peter Serafinowicz)
Pete is a terrible human being even before he’s turned into a zombie and tries to eat our heroes. He’s the worst kind of flat mate – bad tempered, self righteous, patronizing and always trying to sleep. He also doesn’t know how to party or even how to enjoy himself in any way. The moment he enters a room he ruins what ever mood is happening. He’s an embarrassment really. And he’s an even more of an embarrassment as a zombie: stumbling about completely naked, his undead cock flapping about in the wind, making everyone feel awkward when they should be running for their lives.
Christine Brown – Drag Me To Hell (Alison Lohman)
I’m guessing we’re meant to have some sympathy for Christine as she’s cursed to be murdered and, indeed, dragged to hell by the demon Lamia. But come on… she deserves what she gets. Trying to prove to your boss how tough you are by throwing an old lady out of her home is not “just business” its downright immoral. Plus you killed your own cat. I’m more of a dog man myself but I wouldn’t kill my cat if I had one… although my dog would probably do it for me.
Otis, Baby and Captain Spalding – The Devil’s Rejects (Bill Moseley, Sheri Moon Zombie, Sid Haig)
Having murdered every innocent person in their path, at the end of the film this gang is tied up by a revenge-crazed sheriff and tortured. Suddenly the music sores and… what? Are we meant to feel sorry for them? Excuse me, but as the victim of violent crime myself, and having just sat through the horrors of watching this bunch of asshole’s killing anyone they feel like, I don’t give a flying fuck about them and hope they all burn in hell. Maybe I’m taking this whole thing way too personally.
John Kramer – Saw films (Tobin Bell)
Okay I know he is meant to be the villain here but as above I think the film makers want us to feel some sympathy for him. Well not me. He is one of the most sanctimonious, self righteous pricks ever committed to a long running horror franchise. He’s so up on his high horse, making judgements about everyone from his stupid cancer-ridden death bed. And then he always has to add one final twist at the end of every film – ” It was all about you Gary! Always you!”” Oh Linda. YOU were the game after all! You!” What a massive wanker.
There’s a plethora of annoying characters in the Friday the 13th films, and really Jimmy Mortimer isn’t much worse than the rest of them but none of the others are as preoccupied with proving what a great lover in bed as he is. Or at least not a “dead fuck” whatever the hell that is. And actually he is pretty awful in the sack judging by the look of horror the girl he is with gives when he rams his tongue down her throat. If only there was some crazed killer stalking nearby that could finish him off with a rogue kitchen utensil…
Margaret White – Carrie (Laurie Piper)
Margaret White ruins everything. In the name of religious purity she destroys a young girl’s life and sets the course for all the death and destruction that follows. As a parent you are meant to give your children the mental tools to grow up and become an adult in the world. Margaret White, however, gives Carrie nothing but a load of old fire and brimstone hogwash, to such an extent that the poor thing doesn’t even know how her own body works. To be fair to White she almost certainly is insane and probably got raped by the devil but still… learn some parenting skills for God’s sake or you’ll end up being killed with a potato peeler!
Mrs Carmody – The Mist (Marcia May Harden)
As religious nutters go Mrs Carmody trumps Margaret White by a country mile. She might act like she’s on the side of right when The Mist starts killing people but really she’s just exploiting America’s fears for her own gain. She uses religion to make herself the main power in the supermarket everyone is trapped in, but she clearly has no morals. The moment anyone disagrees with her or has alternative idea she suggests to her followers that they should think about killing them. Sound familiar? At least someone has the good sense to lob a tin of baked beans at her head to get her to shut the fuck up.