Zombeavers 2014



I think someone sent me a link to the Zombeavers trailer a while back but quite frankly I refused to believe such a film actually existed. It is a long, hard trawl trying to get any film made at the best of times so why the hell would you make one called Zombeavers? It turns out, however, that Zombeavers is real, some one has made this and, if there is any confusion at all, which I greatly doubt, the film is about zombie beavers.

If ever there was a movie that came about from some one thinking of a title and THEN working out a story around said titles then Zombeavers was it. Unfortunately, the writers didn’t make much of an effort to do anything more than exactly what you would expect. It is the most obvious story ever – a bunch of teens go to a cabin in the woods where some beavers have eaten some radio active waste. The teens are attacked by the beavers in that siege style that has been going on at least since Night of the Living Dead. Some of the characters make some beaver related jokes, there is a good smattering of gore, a woman’s beaver is attacked by a beaver (sigh), the film is over in less than eighty minutes.

However if I am coming across as less than enthusiastic about Zombeavers then I am not being entirely fair. This is a movie, after all, that has very little delusions of grandeur. It is not trying to be the next great horror film, all it wants to do is entertain in the tradition of the very silly man-verses-nature B movies of old like Food of the Gods (rats), Night of the Lepus (giant rabbits), Frogs (I’m don’t need to say) or that one about the devil chicken. And when the villains of the film are dam-building rodents with goofy teeth, there is always going to be certain amount of fun to be had.

Indeed, the film has several things going for it:

1) It looks pretty good and the acting is surprisingly above average for this sort of thing. In fact, whilst the film does not take itself seriously at all, everyone involved seems to have made a real effort to make a decent product. Okay, maybe the zombie beaver puppets themselves are kind of rubbish but that actually makes them more charming, but I am always a horror puppet. At least they didn’t try (an on this budget almost certainly fail) to go down the cg route.

2)  I don’t know how to say this without making it sound a bit dodgy, so I’ll just say it anyway and be damned: all the girls in the film spend pretty much the entire time in incredibly small hot pants. Fortunately the teens follow the grand tradition of being played by women in their twenties so I don’t feel weird about it, much.

3) At some point one of the guys says: “We cannot turn against each other right now, that’s exactly what the beavers would want.” This makes no sense what so ever – why would beavers, let alone zombified beavers, ever start thinking of how great it would be if their victims lapsed into infighting. This man is giving the beavers for more intellectual credit than they deserve. It might also be one of the greatest lines of dialogue ever committed to film.

So its quite entertaining in a very limited way and doesn’t out stay its welcome, presumably as there really isn’t much more to say about zombie beavers than what is said here. It does set itself up for a sequel, but using our pollen-collecting small insect friends as the main monsters next time…

However, I do have a problem with one of the characters in the film. BIG SPOILERS for a really crap sub plot here. At one point relatively early on the “teens” are trapped on a raft in the middle of the lake, surrounded by the flesh eating beavers, or scuba divers with their hands up puppets bottoms, depending how you look at it. One of them also has a dog, a cute Jack Russell who is obviously doomed in the same way all dogs are doomed in horror movies. However, I wasn’t expecting one of the guys to just pick up the poor pup and chuck him into the water to be eaten whilst the humans escaped. I spent the rest of the film angrily engaged, mostly because I wanted that bastard (well played by Hutch Dano who I now hate even in real life) to meet a sorry death because of his treatment of man’s best friend. I was livid to the point of distraction with the cunt. Thank god the film makers understood the need to give the audience what it wants and, despite almost being the hero for much of the running time, Dano does meet his comeuppance in the only way that would satisfy – he gets his dick eaten off by a beaver.

Sometimes its the little things in life that satisfy. Zombeavers is as daft as the title suggests but for a little while it will entertain you if your B-movie bar is set to stupid.


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