Ten Sexy Monsters You Do Not Want To Have Sex With

Sex in horror movies is nearly always a bad idea. Just ask any hot young couple in any given Friday the 13th film and they will tell you that it doesn’t end well, usually with the pair of them being pinned together with a javelin. If you can avoid being killed by a masked psychopath by not touching each other’s naughty bits, you still have to be aware that sometimes the person you are about to make out with might be even more problematic than a bad case of the clap. Here are ten horror movie characters that if you meet in a run down nightclub you should avoid like the plague, partly because some of them actually have the plague.

Linnea Quigley in Return of the Living Dead

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Many a teenage boy’s early sexual experience revolved around watching Linnea Quigley somewhat foolish rebel thinking its a great idea to get naked and fool around in a graveyard just at the point when a toxic chemical is released bringing all the dead back to life. Quigley is quickly munched up but then returns as a much more fun Naked Zombie Punk Chick, a weird modernised twist on the naked female zombie from the original Night Of the Living Dead. However, instead of just being there for male audiences to oggle at, Quigley has become a much more confident creature in her newly dead skin, purposefully striding through the zombie mayhem towards her next (male) victim.

Gabriel Byrne in End of Days

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Gabriel Byrne was always going to end up playing the devil sooner or later. He’s got that dark, smouldering look and confusing-to-Hollywood-execs accent they can’t resist. Its the European actor’s lot to be cast as a villain in studio movies but if your going to be anyone you might as be the ultimate baddie. Byrnes’ Satan is, for most of Schwarzenegger’s demonic remake of Terminator 2, part destroyer of worlds, part sex pest. The moment he arrives in modern day New York he starts making out with one of his minions’ wives as if he hasn’t had sex in a millennia. He’s all over her, tonguing her mouth, squeezing her norks while her high devil priest husband and an entire restaurant sit there looking grateful for the display. Bryne then sucks the life out of both them which just goes to show that not only does worshipping Beelzebub never pay, but that in hell even the devil can’t get laid.

Mathilda May in Lifeforce

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Let’s face facts: I love Lifeforce and no amount of silly thing like facts or empirical evidence are going to get in the way  of my passion for this movie. In one of the bravest performances in cinema history Mathilda May spends the whole proceedings naked like the epitome of female perfection, which, of course, is exactly what she is. But this is no gratuitous nudey show. Okay it IS a gratuitous nudey show but this is vital to the monster that lurks beneath the skin. She has transformed into May purely to lure unsuspecting men into her soul sucking grasp. No man can resist her, and yeah sure, afterwards you’re a dried up zombie with a limited amount of time to do a bit of your own soul sucking, but it was worth it, wasn’t it?

Frank Langella in Dracula

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Dracula was always going to be on this list but lets face it, it was never going to be Bella Lugosi’s version. Frank Langella has often played evil but usually it’s a shadowy government figure or dodgy gangster. This might be because he has always seemed to be old. But there was a time when he had a full head of black hair and, when he first played Dracula on the Broadway stage, women swooned. It might also be the fact that that big black hair made him look incredibly like Neil Diamond. Either way he was a cool Dracula, much more so that Gary Oldman a decade or so later. But you did not want to be one of his victims. When Mina Van Helsing is turned into one of his brides she is a horrific white faced ghoul, trapped living in the darkness of the tunnels under her own grave, which is not unlike working in a basement in Soho I can tell you.

Elizabeth Brooks in The Howling

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Its near the end of the free-love era with AIDS looming just around the corner in the mid 80s. In the meantime here you are in on a Californian beach at night. A bonfire roars and a hot and hairy woman is stripping naked for you. Surely you can see the signs aren’t good. For a start she seems to be getting hairier by the minute and she sure does need a manicure. Before you know it you are going hell for leather with a she wolf and finding yourself turning into a lycanthrope. This could be the rest of your life, having wild wolf sex on a beach in the moonlight. Does that sound like a good idea? Does it? Where is that beach anyway?

The Overfiend in Legend of the Overfiend

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Considering the so-called legendary Overfiend is a thousand foot tall winged demon you’d think that sex would be below him, literally. And this is true it is, but it doesn’t seem to stop him giving it his best shot, so to speak. When watching this film on VHS back in the early days of the anime explosion certain scenes seemed to be darkened out so it was tricky to work out what those weird tentacles were, and where exactly they were going. Nowadays you can see and oh, they’re not extremely long tentacles at all, but a multitude of penises and where they are going you can probably guess. Let’s just say it didn’t end well for the women of Tokyo. I think I preferred it darkened out.

Marilyn Chambers in Rabid

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It’s telling that for David Cronenberg’s second movie in a row about deadly sexually transmitted diseases (after Shivers) that he decided to cast former porn star Marilyn Chambers. Her character Rose has little difficulty pulling (admittedly rather sleazy) men but they are soon piling up by the trash bins as she infects them with the weird little tooth/syringe thing which sticks out from under her armpit when she gets them close enough. I think armpits are kind of yucky anyway aren’t they? And the fact that the hole the tooth thing comes out of looks like an anus only makes matters worse. Why must Cronenberg inflict us with these images!?!

Seth Brundle in The Fly

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Jeff Goldblum is a divisive actor. Some women think he’s damned hot while others think he is the living embodiment of sex (actual quote from a woman) so its hardly surprising that Geena Davis wanted a bit of him even in that nerdy tweed jacket he wore in David Cronenberg’s amazing remake. However, after he’s jumped in his matter transporter and merged with a tiny housefly, Goldblem’s Seth Brundle gets incredibly horney, his sex drive exhausting Davis to the point where sex ain’t as fun as it used to be. Then she has a nightmare about giving birth to a giant maggot. Its enough to put you off sex for life…

Scarlett Johansson in Under the Skin

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Johansson’s character in Jonathan Glazer’s crazy and beautiful film is like a low key Mathilda May. Also on the look out for gullible and horney men, she doesn’t so much want to inhale the Lifeforce from an entire planet as a few rough scallywags in bleakest Scotland. And then there’s her method of killing. Johansan walks across an inky black lake, maybe removing a few items of clothes, while the guys can’t wait to get their tiny erections out. However, the men sink under the black water while she remains on top, and there the men find other victims whose skin has come loose or whose bones have been stolen or something about skin and bones anyway… stop me if you’ve heard this kind of thing before. Oh you haven’t?  Of course you haven’t. Its unique, and uniquely nuts.

Pretty much everyone in Society

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A ludicrous satire on the American social elite, Society has the unique place in cinema history of having the entire cast getting into a weird freakish orgy where you literally have to idea whose limb is whose. Not because they are wrapped up in some eccentric sexual position but because they have all merged into one big pile of high society sex flesh. You do NOT want to be the hapless poor person being caught up in all this filthy fun because while the rich are having a great time, you are only there to be fucked and finished off, as in eaten, not as in, well you know what I mean. And let us not forget that effects for this were done a man called Screaming Mad George. And it shows.

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