Nurse 3D 2013


What the hell is Nurse 3D? Is it the film we all demanded to be remade? But in 3D? Like My Bloody Valentine 3D or Piranha 3D before it? Apparently not. There is no previous version of a horror film called just plain old Nurse, just this wild crazy one, circling the heavens all by itself like a rogue satellite from a place that never existed.
Nurse 3D concerns, in case you couldn’t work it out, a nurse, a raging psychopath who murders her victims in the third dimension. Her main motivation for this is told in flashbacks with something involving her horrible father but then isn’t it always? Actually that doesn’t really answer anything. When we see her as a child she is already twenty seven sandwiches short of a picnic, so I’ve no idea why she was a nut job.

Not that we really need any explanation because the Nurse in question is played by Paz De La Huerta who apparently is epitome of female sexuality but as anyone who has ever seen her in Boardwalk Empire will know, there is something decidedly off-kilter about her. All the parts are there, tall, legs, lips, other bits, lots of hair (really a LOT of hair) and a sexy husky voice but its as if she was created by an alien who had heard what a beautiful, sexual woman is like but never actually seen one. Please don’t get me wrong, this is in no way a judgement on Paz De La Huerta in  Nurse 3D, she is perfect for the role. This is also not a judgement on how she looks, it’s just that she’s all there, but all of what is there is very weird. Any of the men who fall for her sexual come ons deserve what ever they get, like she says she dresses like a slut, but really she’s a psycho. The men can only see the surface, and what they desire of that surface, but not the cruel and out of control monster that lies beneath the skin. This is why De La Huerta is so good in the role – she is a beauty, but a very, very odd one.

For example, a lot of films will have women in skimpy underwear or maybe topless or maybe naked altogether. But in Nurse, De La Huerta spends an entire scene wearing her bra sure thing, but with no knickers on. But its not very sexy, its kind of intimidating, and her character must know this. I’m not sure if the film really is a feminist statement though, I mean look at this promotional still:


Doesn’t feel like a feminist statement to me.

Her acting is also kind of odd. She delivers most lines with a bored nonchalance as if these people are all below her, maybe even the film is below her, but this works perfectly for the character. She wanders around the hospital like she’s on a catwalk. I suspect that De La Huerta always walks around like she’s on a catwalk, and why the hell not, again, it brings this freakish character to life.

The story isn’t just about here acting out daddy-revenge on any married man who’ll look at her twice although it certainly starts like that. Her character, Abby Russell, dispatches the first victim from the roof top after giving him a chance to turn and run. She kind of sees herself, and the film initially treats her like, some kind of superhero: “mend your ways or I will have to destroy you, villain!” she is saying. When she does cut the villain/victim’s artery and then hurtles him off to awaiting fence spikes below it is one less criminal on the streets in her mind, and in 3D no less (there are certainly lots of flying medical instruments coming at the screen, you know, like 3D should be). Russell also has a voice over telling about the method to her madness, and it feels for a while like a whacky reversal of American Psycho with a bit of Batman thrown in for good measure, and I would have been very okay with that.

But then the film takes a turn for the less interesting. Oh well…

Russell meets and falls in love with a junior nurse played by Katrina Bowden. Quite frankly I am not surprised. Bowden, of Tucker and Dale Vs Evil and 30 Rock is lovely, who wouldn’t fall for her? Unfortunately, Bowden doesn’t return the affection, even after De La Huerta kindly drugs her, forces her into a threesome and then sends the photos to her boyfriend. Some people huh?. This is all very entertaining and what not but the action does shift quite a lot from our central character to Bowen’s, who although game, is lumbered with a mixture of Single White Female victim and standard Final Girl stuff. There’s still plenty of fun to be had, especially towards the end when Russell really loses the plot. A scene where she has locked herself in the terminal ward while Bowden watches on is terrifically demented: she works her way around the room stabbing each victim to death, throwing their bloody bodies on the floor, all the while looking at Bowden as it to say “You! You made me do this!” Bless her.

But the film never quite rises to the challenge of being completely loopy in the way that the central character so clearly is. The main plot has been done enough before, the various deaths of the men are never quite as satisfying as they should be. Maybe because the men often aren’t that bad in the first place, but also because, let’s face facts, in a film with demented man hating nurse, in 3D no less, what you really want is for her to chop their dicks off and chuck them at the screen. I’m not saying I WANT to see that (hell no!), I just think that that is what I SHOULD see. Oh well, I suppose there is always Piranha 3D with Jerry O’Connell’s severed member floating off into the deep.

What the hell am I going on about? I need some proper sleep instead of watching nonsense like this. Still, it’s quite fun nonsense and De La Huerta is a weirdly intoxicating presence which we should be thankful for, or fear, or both.





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