After the original Friday the 13th, the epic tale of a mother getting revenge for the death of her son on some random teenagers, and it’s follow up, Friday the 13th Part 2, where the son gets revenge for his mother’s death who was getting revenge for his death, the story continued, but with a hockey mask, and in 3D. Finally, the end of the story had to be told, The Final Chapter so to speak. Pulling out all the stops the filmmakers went all out to end the series on a high: the climactic battle between the villainous psychopath Jason and a new random bunch of teenagers would rouse the spirits of the audiences witnessing such an end to a beloved series, an end that would be told down through the ages.
Or, you know, they could just do the same old shit they’ve done in the last few films and hope no one notices. Yes, they did that.
I once read a review that said the Friday the 13th films ran out of ideas half way through the first reel, and watching this it hard to argue with them. The story, and when I say story I mean the vague thing which links the scenes together, has Jason being taken to the hospital after having a 3D axe rammed into his face. Here, the orderly, who sexually harasses a nurse and is a general all round git and nightmare work colleague, has to lock his corpse up in the mortuary. Instead the said nurse, who openly hates the orderly, decides to get her whammers out for him, right in front of Jason’s stiff. Now, anyone who knows Jason knows that he has absolutely no time for sexual promiscuity, so before you know it he’s up and killing all over again.
Meanwhile, a bunch of deeply unlikeable teenagers are driving up to a cottage not far away from Camp Crystal Lake where all the murderin’s been a-happenin’. I thought there was only four in the car but at least ten of them die so I must have been counting wrong. The most famous of this horny bunch is Back to the Future ‘s Crispin Glover. While there’s not much in the way of character development (there are twins they meet on the way who’s character trait is they both like to take their tops off) Glover at least has a story arc. This is it:
Glover’ s mate tells him he’s heard he’s a deadfuck, apparently this means he’s awful in the sack.
Glover does a stupid dance that one of the girls thinks is cool, so takes him upstairs for a good seeing to.
Post coital, Glover asks if he was any good. She says he was amazing with all the right hip moves etc.
Glover, lacking all gentlemanly discretion, runs down to tell his mate that he is in fact not a deadfuck but a damned fine lay.
To celebrate he decides to open a bottle of wine but finds the corkscrew jammed into his hand before having his face cut open with a hacksaw.
A tragic and moving tale of one young man’s life cut short in his prime, I’m sure you’ll agree.
What it is with the swearing in this film? There’s the aforementioned deadfuck which has never been used in real life, then at one point one of the lads shouts “jesus christmas” at someone. What? Even the actor seems like he can’t believe what he’s just said, so he says it again, Jesus Christmas, why Jesus Christmas? Someone else insults a guy by calling him a “pack of patootsies” – I have no idea. Did the script writers worry there would be too much swearing? This has the most nudity out of all the Friday movies, but they’re worried about one too many fucks?
There really is an awful lot of nudity going on here. From the women only of course. One girl, who’s sole feature is that she likes to have sex a lot, arranges to meet a boy in the woods, for sex obviously. When he doesn’t show, she realises she might have been stood up so takes off all her clothes just in case. I’m not sure why she thinks this will help, it just looks cold. After some shouting, so anyone in the area will know there’s a naked girl by herself in the woods, she decides that she should climb, still naked, into a dingy and float about for a bit. Maybe someone, anyone, will come along and give her a good going over. Only trouble is, its Presbyterian Jason who shows up. She dies horribly.
The poor thing does pull a great goofy face when she buys it though:
Actually that last one isn’t a real face at all. Friday the 13th The Final Chapter does have one redeeming feature and it’s only bloody legendary make up fx artist Tom Savini’s fine, gory work. Right from the first kill where Jason tears open that sleazy orderly’s throat with a surgical saw you know you’re in for a good time. And there is a lot of hacking and slashing, maybe not quite as inventive as when Kevin Bacon has an arrow ripping out of his throat in the first film, but it’s very, er, pleasant to see all the same.
The rest of the film though is just awful. There’s a subplot about the brother of one of the victims from a previous chapter trying to hunt down Jason but this goes absolutely nowhere. When he finally does find the masked maniac he just gets butchered like the rest of them. The acting is uniformly dreadful like the performers aren’t sure they’re reading the right words. Even Crispin Glover, who would go on to some good stuff, doesn’t seem confident in front of the camera. Apparently the director was a tough bastard so maybe they were just scared of him. The one exception to this is young Corey Feldman who out acts everyone on the screen, and he was twelve at the time. This was his 24th screen role by this time so he was an old pro but still, twelve, and he makes everyone else look like they’re auditioning for the church Christmas show. Maybe to play Jesus Christmas.
Plus Corey gets to take finish off Jason in a climax which makes almost no sense whatsoever but is both mighty gory and stupid at the same time.
And that was the end of Friday the 13th. The evil lunatic/mentally handicapped child Jason, killed by a twelve year old kid with a machete through the face. The final chapter; and that was it. No more Friday the 13th films were ever made…