A Halloween Feast: Ten Flesh Eaters

It’s 31st October 2013 as I write this and quite frankly what I all really want is a tasty Halloween treat to keep me going. So seeing as pumpkin soup is in short supply, I bring you a selection of, in no particular order, some of the yummiest flesh eaters in the movies.

Bad Taste

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Look at that man above. This is Peter Jackson who would go onto be one of the most powerful men in the movies and win an Oscar in 2004. But even then he must have known that things would never get better than eating a man’s brains out of his head with a spoon.

The Hills Have Eyes

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The remake is arguably better than the original and while the cannibalism isn’t the main focus of the bizarre mutant hill billies, its more rape, terror and murder, they still like to munch down on a human or a dog or anything given half the chance.

Zombie Flesh Eaters

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The zombies in Lucio Fulci’s sort of classic are a miserable bunch. None of the knockabout fun of Romero’s zombies, they just want to eat you up in as depressing a way as possible. Except of course that zombie who pulls the above hapless victim onto a large splinter which stabs her through the eyeball. That’s just plain mean.

Death Line

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Bless the poor old git who’s whole existence has been as the great grand child of victorian workers trapped in a collapsed part of the London underground. Cut off from human interaction, when he finally does come across some commuters is it any wonder he just sees them as food. He builds up quite a collection of tasty meals and when policeman Donald Pleasence catches him all he can say is “Mind the doors!”

The Woman

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If you are going to lock a cannibalistic feral woman you find in the woods in the family shed then you have to expect that, sooner or later, said woman will escape, eat your wife’s face, tear out your heart and eat it in front of you in your dying moments. Its only fair.

Ravenous

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By all accounts the crazed look on Robert Carlyle probably wasn’t acting. The whole production was almost completely mad, with the original director walking days before production was due to begin. The late Antonia Bird was brought in to wrestle control of this tale of early pilgrims trying to survive the untamed USA, and Carlyle embraced the role of a cannibalistic military man with relish, and probably some ketchup too.

Motel Hell

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Old hicks harvest foolish passers by for their Farmer Vincent Fritters. I am not convinced that burying people up to their necks in a field is really going to work but apparently those fritters taste damned fine so what do I know.

 

Cannibal Holocaust

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I mean, I don’t really like this film, and I hate what the makers did with real animals for the sake of a cheap bit of horror. On the other hand it does have a man being tied up, castrated and then have his penis eaten in front of him, so it can’t be all bad.

Dawn of the Mummy

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Dawn of the Mummy is, by all accounts, an absolutely dreadful film. It takes forever for any of the mummies to get up and what the hell are mummys doing acting like flesh eating zombies anyway? Surely they should just moan, strangle and walk with a limp. Also, the heroes/victims are models on a fashion shoot which means a) they are all completely narcissistic and unlikable and b) they get their wammers out a lot. When the mummies finally get down to eating their way through the cast it’s a blessed relief. And its always surprising how many intestines a mummy can pull out of a fashion model’s guts.

Day of the Dead

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Come on, of course George Romero’s classics would end up here. All of his Dead films deserve to be here (well maybe not Survival) but you don’t get any better than watching that asshole Rhodes being torn in half by the zombie masses while screaming “Choke on them!!!”

Oh happy days… oh, and Happy Halloween.

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