Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings 2011

Wrong Turn 4

I was blissfully unaware that we needed a prequel to the previous three Wrong Turn movies but apparently we did so this is what we’ve got.

Actually I’m not even sure I knew there was a part three. Part two? Sure, who could forget part two? Actually I could and did. I have no idea if I’ve seen it or not.

I’ve seen part one, definitely, but I only remember that because my fine friend Andy worked on the FX. Other than that, what I recall is some kind of Hills Have Eyes style cannibals living in the backwoods of Somewhere USA, eating anyone who happened to take the wrong turn of the title. Judging by how we have reached part four, a lot of people did.

So, at last, we get to learn how the three cannibal brothers came to be. Actually, I didn’t remember that they were brothers in the previous films and I imagine that no one else has been following their family saga that closely either. But for those who are interested, they are kind of like the Three Stooges, only hideously deformed and unable to say anything eligible, so in fact just like the Three Stooges. The story starts with them as children locked up in a mental asylum; they escape and eat all the staff.

That is it, that’s the whole back story you are going to find out from this film. And that’s before the opening credits. No abusive mothers, no being forced to sleep in pig sties, nothing. That’s all you’re going to get. I suppose it is better than Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, where all we learn is that as Leatherface was going along, he walked past a chainsaw and thought “oh, I’ll have that”. That was all you got there, but Wrong Turn Part Three isn’t much better.

The main bulk of the film takes place a number of years later, in 2003, the year of the first movie. So it’s still a prequel just about, however I remember their home in the woods was pretty sophisticated and well lived in the first Wrong Turn, but here they are still in the asylum. They stayed there the whole time with nothing better to do than munch on the other inmates, so how can they also be in the backwoods? It’s all very confusing, but maybe just I’m over thinking a film called Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings.

Anyway, what do you know but a bunch of very attractive young Americans turn up on their snow mobiles after getting lost in the snow. The asylum seems deserted so they decide to do what all American Youths do in these films – get high and fuck each other. Well, you can’t blame them, they’re all so handsome and shallow, that’s definitely what I’d do if I was them.

Of course there is the Smart Girl, the Annoying Prankster, and a small amount of other racial token representations. Oh and there are also a couple of lesbians. Really hot lesbians who only ever want to strip naked and perform lesbian things on each other. How forward thinking these film makers are.

It takes a little while for the cannibalistic siblings to rear their really ugly heads, but soon they are chopping and chewing on our hapless heroes. Actually, they’re not really heroes. There’s not even one sympathetic character among them. Even the final girl (or girls) are pretty one note, if that. In fact a number of them have such the same look, height and hairstyles I wasn’t sure who was dead and who was alive half the time. About a third of the way in a WASPy girl popped up who I swore hadn’t been in the film up until that point. I could only tell because hair was wavy rather than straight. So it’s actually a blessed relief when they start dropping like flies. They do the usual thing, like suggesting the best thing they can do when one of their party has already disappeared is to split up and go look for them – even the joke of this cliché is a cliché. You can’t go back around again fellas and start it like its something fresh, the split up plan is over, stop it.

At one point they capture the brothers but instead of killing them or at least tying them up, they lock them in a cell, a cell the brothers had previously escaped from. Then the kids all decide to go off and get some sleep, apart from the guy who wanted to kill the brothers. He stays awake to torment them and keep guard. But then he decides the best thing to do now is have a little sleep himself. It doesn’t end well for him and rightly so, stupid twat. I mean, we’re all watching these films to see stupid people die, aren’t we? We’re not here to get thrills and frights from horrific situations where we could go “what would I do if I were there?” and so immerse ourselves in the story. Oh no, that would be crazy. We just want to watch non-characters act illogically, surely? Chaff

I’m not knocking the high body count and interesting deaths, this the film-makers have got pretty spot on. There’s a fair amount of death by incredibly sharp barbed wire, which seems to be the brothers weapon of choice. I mean a bit tricky as they rarely seem to be wearing thick gloves, but maybe they have mutant hand skin so don’t have to worry about chafing too much. There’s also a good amount of flesh slicing and chewing, often in grisly close up. Doesn’t really add anything to the film, maybe a grumbling stomach to the odd viewer, but I thought you’d like to know.

Okay I’m not expecting much from part four of a franchise, they should’ve stopped at part two, it goes along at a fairly steady pace and there’s some fun gore. But the characters here are lifeless and even our villains aren’t very interesting, just grunting and giggling in bad make up and lacking the quality freakishness of the Hills Have Eyes cannibals or the charm of Leatherface. Yeah he has charm, I just wouldn’t bring him home for Christmas. And we don’t even learn what the “bloody beginnings” of the sub-title are. There’s not even an actual wrong turn, just a slight misstep in a snowy field. That title is a bloody lie.

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